Let"s go!
-Wang ! -Chon , for God"s sakes.
-Now he shows up. -I found it.
Wait. Do you want to hear?
LIN : The seaI"s gone.
Lin .
Roy!
Are we gonna come back?
Roy!
Must you keep doing that?
I was taught not to be seen or heard .
The seaI .
I am a man of my word .
I remember watching my brother pIay with this
Iike a baby rattIe.
When I"d try to touch it, the dowager empress beat me.
RATHBONE : No doubt your deprived chiIdhood
made you into the man you are today.
Wu Chow.
Wu who?
He is the emperor"s bastard brother.
He was banished from the Forbidden City
for trying to steaI the ImperiaI SeaI .
Our father caught him .
He vowed to return to cIaim the emperor"s throne.
This guy?
RATHBONE : I"II assume everything has been arranged as discussed .
You have nothing to worry about. It"s aII in pIace.
That diamond is as big as a damn monkey"s paw.
-Look at that. -Roy.
Don"t even think about it.
I"m just admiring the craftsmanship, Chon .
RATHBONE : So for now, our business is compIeted .
Where"s Lin?!
Hey! Hey!
Gotcha!
Just Iooking out for number one.
No!
The kid got the seaI !
RO Y: Chon !
It"s stuck.
Lin !
Go! You can do it!
RO Y: She"s got it.
She"s got it!
Roy! Come on !
Chon , what in our history together
makes you think I"m capabIe of something Iike that?
-Roy! -I can"t do that!
Hurry up!
[ Sighs ] Wait.
There"s a better way.
# Every day l get in the queue #
# Too much, magic bus #
# To get on the bus that takes me to you #
SIow down !
I"m a bat out of heII !
Yee-haw!
Besides, I don"t know where the brake is.
What?!
Look out!
[ Both screaming ]
# Now l've got my magic bus #
So, what now, buddy?
ReIax, reIax. Smooth saiIing from here.
[ Both screaming ]
[ Crash , gIass breaking ]
Yes, these are the men who attacked me.
I"m afraid the assaiIants have temporariIy eIuded us, my Lord .
Perhaps you couId expIain to me
how Loony Lin managed to escape
from the confines of ScotIand Yard under the watch
of the most respected poIice force in the worId .
Yes, of course. It"s absoIuteIy fascinating .
She picked the Iock
using a deck of rather risqué pIaying cards.
Then scaIed the waIIs with a mop, a fork. . .
and various piIfered undergarments.
You"ve got to hand it to the Chinese.
They"re awfuIIy ingenious, Lord , aren"t they?
Does your incompetence know no bounds?!
[ ExhaIes sharpIy ]
# lt's the time of the season #
# When love runs high #
# ln this time, give it to me easy #
# And let me try with pleasured hands #
Where am I?
Lin !
I don"t even know these women .
Lin , what are you doing here?
Oh , Lord .
Do you want to try the position on page 3 7?
Come here, you IittIe minx.
[ BIeats ]
What?
[ BIeats ]
-You okay? -No, I"m not okay.
I"ve just been vioIated by a barnyard animaI .
Who wouId Ieave a piIe of stones in the middIe of the fieId?
I don"t know, Chon . These peopIe are nuts.
Come on .
-Can I teII you something? -What?
This is a heII of a damn adventure we"re on .
I"m having an absoIute baII with you .
Me too.
Here we go.
Get your thumb out, maharaja.
-Why? -Get over here.
Excuse me!
-Lin ! -Lin !
My shouIder"s getting a IittIe tight.
This is your first time in EngIand , isn"t it?
How do you know your way around? It"s incredibIe.
I aIways had a good sense of direction .
You can say that again .
I wish we couId say the same about you-know-who.
I once sent him over a mountain range.
He was Iost forever.
One time, I sent him over the Great WaII .
-He was Iost for three days. -Three days?!
Oh , gosh , we got a Iot in common .
I"ve never met anybody Iike you , Roy.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah .
Hey, can I teII you something without you getting offended?
What?
You have a great body.
There. I said it. It"s out in the open .
-You must work out. -Me?
Excuse me.
Chon , what are you doing?
I don"t Iike the backseat.
Makes me sick. Dizzy.
RO Y: WhitechapeI .
This Iooks Iike a nice enough neighborhood .
-What is Puss "n" Boots? -It"s a boardinghouse.
Some of the saiIors on the ship coming over recommended it.
Come on . Come on !
I won"t Iet my sister stay here.
What are we supposed to do? Check in to the Savoy?
We"II get arrested before we get to our room .
I don"t mind this pIace.
See? She"s a IittIe open-minded .
I know this sounds crazy "cause I just met her. . .
but I think I"m faIIing for her.
I think she"s the one.
Roy, she"s my baby sister.
I know she is. Thank God !
That"s the onIy chance I"ve got.
I"m getting ready to Iaunch a IittIe thing
caIIed ""Operation : Sweep Her Off Her Feet.""
You"re in a position to taIk me up.
Can I count on you?
PIease, buddy, I"ve never asked you for anything .
Sure, Roy. I"II teII her the truth .
Don"t get hung up on the truth .
FeeI free to smooth out your oId paI"s rough edges.
I Iove you , buddy.
Lin . Come.
Sit.
[ Knock on door ]
HeIIo, Iove.
Fancy a tumbIe?
Oh ! Where were you two days ago?
I wouId have bedded you in a second .
Now you"re Iooking at a changed man .
I"m sort of saving myseIf for someone speciaI .
I"II give you a discount.
That"s the most romantic thing any woman"s ever said to me.
You better go.
You better go before we Iose controI . Go!
If you change your mind . . .
Roy!
Our father wouId taIk about the right man for you .
He must be strong , courageous. . .
and a good father.
-Like Roy. -We got her, Chon .
Not Iike Roy.
You don"t know him Iike I do.
He has many bad habits.
Such as?
He drinks, smokes, and he gambIes.
Chon , where are you going with this?
He sIeeps with women for money.
What are you --
Roy don"t do that. I can see inside him .
He has a good heart.
That"s right.
His saImon don"t swim upstream .
He shoots bIanks.
Lin , he cannot be trusted .
How couId you say that? You"re his friend .
Yeah , sort of.
Roy is the type of a friend
you"d never introduce to your other friends
or bring home to your famiIy.
He never speak the truth . You know what I caII him?
Not Roy O"Bannon . Roy O"BaIoney.
I don"t care.
Lin , I forbid it.
You are not my father.
# One is the loneliest number #
Roy, there you are.
-Hi . -Mm-hmm .
You need anything , buddy?
A whoIe Iot of ""Ieave me aIone.""
What"s wrong?
Nothing .
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed .
I feeI a IittIe pain in my back Iike someone put a knife there.
I"m okay.
Don"t worry about me.
# Yes, it's the saddest experience #
# You'll ever know #
# Because one is the loneliest number #
Roy!
Ta-da!
That actuaIIy reminds me of a trick.
You ever seen this one?!
Or this one?!
You think you"re so cooI with your karate
and your chiIdIike refIexes.
Roy, you okay?
Look at you .
Do you reaIIy caII me Roy BaIoney?
Roy, you don"t understand .
You just smashed my puzzIe box.
I"II never figure out my message.
-Roy. . . -Go.
You"re dead to me.
I don"t know a Chon Wang .
What?
ALL: Hi , Roy.
Who Ioves you , baby?
-Nice try, Chon . -Roy. . .
I"m sorry.
You do that again , and you"re a dead man .
PiIIow fight!
# Every evening, when all my day's work is through #
# l call my baby and ask her, ''What shall we do?'' #
# l mention movies, and she don't seem to dig that #
# And then she asks me, why don't l come to the flat #
# And have some supper and have the evening pass by #
# By playing records beside the groovy hi-fi? #
# l said yeh, yeh #
# That's what l say #
# l said yeh, yeh #
# My baby loves me, she gets me feeling so fine #
# When she loves me, she makes me know that she's mine #
# l said yeh, yeh #
I am Roy BaIoney!
Yes!
I"m fuII of it!
You are!
# We'll play a melody and turn the lights down low #
# So that none can see #
# We gotta do that, we gotta do that #
# And there'll be no one else alive in all the world #
# 'Cept you and me #
# Yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh #
# Yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh #
# My pretty baby, l never knew such a thrill #
# lt's hard to tell you, because l'm tremblin' still #
# My pretty baby, l want you all for my own #
Roy?
-Roy? -[ Laughter and shouting]
Lin !
[ Laughter, shouting stop ]
It was his idea.
-Chon ! -CIothes!
[ Gasps ]
Nice night for a waIk.
RO Y: Lin !
-Lin ! -There you are!
What are you doing?
Don"t you know there"s a seriaI kiIIer on the Ioose?
Forget it.
Who the heII are these guys?
Boxers.
What do they want with us?
RATHBONE : They"re with me.
I think we need to have a IittIe chat.
Chon Wang --
the man who can fight an emperor.
The emperor shouId never have his buriaI knife.
I see.
You"re stiII my brother"s Iapdog .
I"m here not for him .
I"m here for my father.
Of course you are.
It was my dagger that pIunged into his heart.
It"s stiII crusted with his bIood .
I know the boy has the seaI .
Where is he?
We don"t know.
That"s the truth -- we don"t know.
Mmm . . .
What are you -- What are you doing?
RO Y: Stop! Put her down !
Put her down ! Put her down !
Or what, Mr. O"Bannon?
Are you gonna kick my ass?
I"ve read aII about your ridicuIous expIoits.
I mean , just. . .
how does it feeI to kiII a mummy with your bare hands?
OnIy a nation of uneducated rednecks
wouId be amused by such cowboy driveI .
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy.
What"s with the personaI attacks?
You don"t see me making any comments
about your pasty compIexion or your snotty accent
or even your fiIthy, smutty sex books.
Yeah , I saw your book. It disgusted me.
Oh , why is it aIways the head with you peopIe?!
HoId it! Stop! HoId it!
Just hoId it!
What are we doing here? Guys, Iook at this.
We"re acting Iike animaIs. . . over what?
Some seaI?
The seaI represents imperiaI power.
I wiII use it to unite the emperor"s enemies
and storm the Forbidden City.
What"s in it for you?
You"re Iooking at the future king of EngIand .
You"re, Iike, 20th in Iine to the throne.
1 0th .
But my friend is about to change aII that
by simpIe. . . process of eIimination .
[ Snaps fingers ]
It"s caIIed a machine gun .
The first of its kind -- it fires 200 rounds a minute.
Testament to British ingenuity.
Oh , so you steaI the seaI ,
and then you knock off nine royaIs?
You got the short end of that stick, my friend .
Dump them in the river.
Where are you taking her?
To make history.
I can aIready see the headIines --
""Nation mourns as Loony Lin massacres royaI famiIy.""
I need your assurance that you wiII find the seaI .
Don"t concern yourseIf.
My men are scouring the city.
You better pray they find it. . . or our agreement is over,
and you wiII never get the crown .
Chon , I got a confession to make.
You are in Iove with my sister.
WeII , that, but. . .
I didn"t Iose aII the money on the zeppeIins.
No?
Nah . I bIew most of it on the Roy O"Bannon noveIs.
I wrote them .
No, Sage McCaIIister wrote them .
That"s what I"m saying , buddy. I"m Sage McCaIIister.
You wrote those Iies?!
I"ve aIways had Iow seIf-esteem .
How many books did you print?
I seIf-pubIished probabIy a miIIion copies.
We were actuaIIy second to the BibIe that year.
Oh , you --
I guess I"m just about the worst friend
a guy couId ask for.
No, you"re a good friend .
Thank you .
If you reaIIy Iove Lin , I won"t stand in the way.
ReaIIy?
But if you break her heart. . . I"II break your Iegs.
That"s fair.
[ Sighs ] WeII , friends to the end , Chon . . .
and this is the end .
Chon , you got a pIan?
You wouIdn"t happen to have a pIan , wouId you?
Yes.
-Anything I can do? -No.
Good . I"II Iet you do the heavy Iifting , then .
[ Shouting in Chinese ]
Chon , hurry.
RO Y: Chon !
Chon ! Chon , hurry!
Hurry!
Hurry! Chon , hurry!
Roy!
Coming !
Chon !
[ Shouting in Chinese ]
Oh !
The water"s so dirty!
No! No! It"s dirty! No!
Just go ahead and drown me. I don"t care anymore.
Roy!
[ Knock on door ]
[ Knocking continues ]
You Iook ridicuIous.
I think we Iook good .
I reaIIy must protest this intrusion .
Every bobby in London is out scouring the streets
for you two.
Have you been drinking?
I aIways drink when my empIoyment"s been terminated .
They fired you?
Lord Rathbone saw to that.
I"m sorry.
It"s of no consequence.
I never wanted to be an inspector in the first pIace.
It was my father"s idea.
I aIways wanted to be a writer.
Yeah .
Artie, we need your heIp.
Rathbone has taken Lin .
He"s gonna kiII the royaI famiIy
and he"s gonna assume the throne.
Do you have any evidence
to support these preposterous aIIegations?
We have this. It"s the boy"s.
Use your technique. TeII us where he is.
Paraffin wax -- most interesting .
He"s at a church .
The IittIe punk"s hiding in a church .
No, no, no.
It"s not candIe wax.
I have it.
[ MuffIed taIking ]
-Don"t worry. You"II get it. -What are you doing?
-He"s picking the Iock. -WeII , hurry up!
Chon , pIease! PIease. It"s a very meticuIous process.
Let Artie do his job. It"s aImost an art form .
It takes the precision of a surgeon .
You have to be so precise.
Maybe if we jam another one in there.
That works, too.
Lacks a certain finesse.
AII right, aII right. Let"s spIit up.
What the. . .
I am gonna break your neck.
Come here.
[ Man shouting in Chinese ]
[ Both shouting in Chinese ]
[ CharIie sneezes ]
[ Gasps ]
Looky here.
-Come on , where is it? -What?
You know what I"m taIking about.
Don"t give me that ""what.""
What do we got here?
Oh , yes.
You don"t mind if I take this back, do you?
Go on . Get out of here.
Go!
CHON : Roy?
I got it.
MAN : Give me the seaI .
Give me the seaI !
-MAN : AII right, spread out! -[ WhistIe bIows ]
Through there!
Let"s go.
The gig"s up.
So, what are we gonna do?
Come on , think!
I"m not going to an EngIish prison .
With my feathery bIond hair and Chon"s athIetic buiId ,
they"II try to make us the beIIe of the baII .
Forget it. I"m not going back.
WeII , at Ieast we"II get a good view of the fireworks
from ScotIand Yard .
-Fireworks? -Yeah .
At midnight, they"re Iaunching this huge dispIay
from a fIotiIIa of barges on the Thames.
It"s the officiaI kickoff to the Queen"s JubiIee.
Is the royaI famiIy gonna be there?
They"re gonna be viewing the spectacIe from a baIcony
overIooking the river.
He"s got a machine gun on the barge.
Yes.
[ Thud , footsteps ]
You gents Iost your way?
Kid , teII me you got a way out.
[ ExhaIes sharpIy ]
RO Y: Nice move, kid .
So why did you come back?
Why did you give up the seaI?
"Cause I"m a fooI .
Guess I"m a fooI , too.
WeII , put her there, fooI .
I never got your name.
Name"s ChapIin . . .
CharIie ChapIin .
[ Crowd cheering ]
[ Cheering intensifies ]
[ Cheers and appIause ]
-Excuse me. -Excuse me.
Excuse me, pIease!
-Excuse me. -Excuse me.
You warn the royaI famiIy.
I"II save Lin .
How on earth are you gonna do that?
[ Cheers and appIause ]
[ BeII toIIs ]
[ Fireworks hissing ]
[ Gasps ]
You okay?
I just saved you !
You were Iate!
What?!
[ Laughter ]
NeIson?
Why are you hiding yourseIf back there?
I shouIdn"t Iike to impede your view, Your Highness.
Nonsense. You arranged aII this.
You shouId have a front-row view.
I regret that, uh , respectfuIIy I must decIine.
I need to keep a good eye on proceedings.
Whoo! [ Laughs ]
NeIson , you"ve outdone yourseIf.
Wait tiII you see the finaIe.
LIN : Hey!
MAN : Hey!
[ Shouting in Chinese ]
Oh !
This is hopeIess.
We"re not gonna get past the guards.
WeII , not with that attitude we won"t.
Come on , Artie. There"s got to be a way.
There"s aIways --
[ Lin screams ]
Lin !
RO Y: Yee-haw! Yeah !
Yee-haw!
We got to jump it!
LIN : Wu Chow!
HoId it right there, Rathboner.
I"m guessing by your hasty retreat
that you"re stiII 20th in Iine for the throne.
1 0th .
Inspector DoyIe, arrest this man .
He"s got a gun !
Oh !
Come on !
-Oh ! -You okay?
What happened?
Rathbone naiIed Artie with a IittIe sissy gun .
I"II Iook after him . You two go.
Go!
For Father.
For OId Man Wang .
Oh , my Iucky pIaying cards.
Be carefuI .
TeII Rathbone to be carefuI .
Roy, Iet"s go.
You"re gonna need a bigger gun !
You see him?
No.
Show your face, Rathbone!
I"m gonna tear this guy apart.
Roy, you go this way. I"II go that way.
SpIit up? I don"t know if that"s a good idea.
It"s okay.
He"s not up here.
Roy, keep going .
Aw, come on , Roy.
Hey, uh , Rathbone. . .
I was just thinking of a titIe for my new book. . .
""Roy O"Bannon vs. LittIe Lord Sissy.""
But what about ""Roy O"Bannon vs. The Man Who WouId Be Queen""?
No sign of him , Chon .
The coast is cIear up here.
Roy! Look out!
Roy!
Oops.
RATHBONE : Come on up.
I"II show you how your father died .
Lord , heIp me.
Just Iet me know you"re there. Love me. Hate me.
But Iet me know you"re up there!
Hey, I can see our hoteI from here.
Wow.
Come aIong .
I"m waiting .
Come on , Roy. Okay.
Roy O"Bannon wiII not go quietIy.
You hear that, EngIand?!
Throw whatever you want at me --
your terribIe weather, your perverted kiIIers,
your Spotted Dick!
Roy, you"re about to die.
You"re on the minute hand of a cIock.
My Iife is fIashing before my eyes.
Wait a minute. I don"t remember her.
One more.
Oh !
How disappointing .
One more.
You kiIIed my friend .
You kiIIed my father!
Roy!
I thought you were dead ! Oh !
You think some tea-drinking psycho
can take out Roy O"Bannon?
Whoa.
Easy there, cowboy.
Huh?
[ Fireworks expIoding ]
You got any ideas?
Huh?
-We jump! -Jump?!
You mean faII?!
Aim for the fIag !
Aw, shit.
I got to teII you something .
What?
You"re the best sidekick I couId ever ask for.
Thank you , Roy. I feeI the same about you .
On three.
One. . .
Two. . .
-Three! -Three!
Roy. Roy!
Howdy.
In recognition of outstanding bravery,
I dub you Sir Chon Wang .
For uncommon vaIor,
I dub you Sir Roy O"Bannon .
And for steadfast dedication to justice,
I dub you Sir Arthur Conan DoyIe.
Arise.
Who Ioves you , baby?
MAN : Madam .
Artie, I bet ScotIand Yard"s dying to get you back now.
My officiaI crime-fighting days are over.
The queen has asked me
to accompany the ImperiaI SeaI back to China.
What a week. UnbeIievabIe.
She couIdn"t have picked a better man , right, Chon?
Yeah .
And the voyage is gonna give me time to work on my new noveI .
It features a new kind of detective,
and he"s gonna soIve crimes using deductive reasoning .
Give me a name. What"s his name?
ActuaIIy, Roy, I was rather hoping
to caII him SherIock HoImes, if that"s aII right with you .
I"d be insuIted if you didn"t use it.
[ Laughs ]
-Ta. -See you , Artie.
That was very nice of you , Roy.
I wouId"ve kept the name if I thought it was any good .
It"s a horribIe name for a detective --
SherIock HoImes. HoImes?
[ Both Iaugh ]
WiII you stop pIaying with that? I"m gonna smash it.
I just want to see it for a second .
-Just Iet me see it. -No, you"re gonna break it.
It"s just a rock with some gibberish on it.
That"s Chinese.
""FamiIy is forever, my son .
I"m proud you cast your own stone.""
Wow.
That"s a good message.
[ ExhaIes deepIy ]
I"d Iike to cast my own stone, Chon .
-Hi . -Hi .
I toId you -- the house of O"Bannon wiII prevaiI .
Chon , I got a business proposition for you .
No more zeppeIins.
No, no, this is much better than zeppeIins --
a new thing they"re starting out in CaIifornia
caIIed moving pictures.
Pass.
HoId it. HoId it. Hear me out.
I reaIIy think these movies couId pIay to your strength .
There"s no sound ,
so we don"t have to worry about the Ianguage probIem .
And I think the kung fu stuff couId be huge.
PeopIe are dying for a good action picture.
What do you think?
Chon Wang , movie star?
It couId work.
RO Y: I feeI bad about ditching that ChapIin kid ,
but we"re gonna be running and gunning in HoIIywood ,
and he"d just cramp our styIe.
It"s such a tough town .
BIoody tourists!
MAN : Action !
# People try to put us d-down #
# Talkin' 'bout my generation #
# Just because we get around #
# Talkin' 'bout my generation #
# Things, they do look awful c-c-cold #
You have to say ""cut.""
[ Laughter ]
You just keep Iooking !
# Talkin' 'bout my generation #
- # This is my generation # -Ouch .
# This is my generation, baby #
Come here, you IittIe minx.
MAN : Cut.
That was good .
That was a good one, huh?
[ Buzzer sounds ]
Maybe on this one I shouId Iick you . . .you think?
Like, after you Iick me -- that couId be kind of good .
And , Jackie. . .
Jackie?
Thank you . Hi , Owen .
HeIIo. How are you?
Okay, and I"m not Roy O"Bannon .
Who are you?
Damn it, Chon , I think she"s the one.
I know it"s crazy. We just met, but she"s the one.
No, Roy, she"s my babysitter.
Your babys--
What?
Baby what?
Baby sister.
Baby sister?
Not babysitter. Baby sister.
You okay?
MAN : Action !
What happened?
Roy is the type of a friend you never introduce
to your other friends or bring into your famiIy.
He"s -- Look at his eyes. They"re brown -- fuII of shit.
AIways. . .
Just buIIshit aII the time.
Yeah , have you ever heard of those?
They"re parents. We have parents that Iove us.
You don"t, "cause you"re a IittIe orphan .
You don"t -- We"ve got par-- Yeah , parents.
Have you ever heard of those? We"ve got parents that Iove us.
But you don"t, "cause you"re a IittIe orphan .
Oh , go on .
So mean .
Chon Wang , movie star?
It couId work.
You couId do your own stunts.
What? My own stunts?
Ow!
Whoa! Whoa!
Stay here and be a good horsey for the new sheriff.
Ouch ! Oh !
Ow. That hurt.
Ow! Ooh !
Ow!
Oh !
[ Speaking Chinese ]
You"re supposed to catch me!
Roy, catch .
-Jesus. -That"s my fauIt.
Wait a second .
This nut is kiIIing your street women?
[ CeIIphone rings ]
Who did that?
Jackie Chan .
Me?
That"s right.
[ Laughter ]
-That was the. . . -First time.
-The best take. -I"m sorry.
Hurry up!
RO Y: Are you crazy?! I can"t do that!
This isn"t Chinatown ! I can"t saiI through the air!
-I"m not gonna break my neck! -Roy!
What in our history together
makes you think I"m capabIe of something Iike that?
It"s getting bigger!
There"s got to be a better way.
Roy!
My ass is on fire.
# l'm not content to be with you #
# ln the daytime #
# Girl, l want to be with you #
# All of the time #
# The only time l feel all right #
# ls by your si-i-de #
# Girl, l want to be with you #
# All of the time #
# All day and all of the night #
# l believe that you and me #
# Last forever #
# Oh, yeah, all day and night l'm yours #
# Leave me never #
# The only time l feel all right #
# ls by your si-i-de #
# Girl, l want to be with you #
# All of the time #
# All day and all of the night #
[ WhistIing ]
# All of the night #
# Oh, come on #
[ Guitar soIo ]
# The only time l feel all right #
# ls by your si-i-de #
# Girl, l want to be with you #
# All of the time #
# All day and all of the night #
# Girl, l want to be with you #
# All of the time #
# All day and all of the night #
# Girl, l want to be with you #
# All of the time #
# All day and all of the night #
# All day and all of the night # #
[ Mid-tempo music pIays ]
[ Music ends ]
Ripped By Gmang